If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
