positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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