Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize