People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
