Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize