Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
