and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
