i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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