He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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