I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
