my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
