No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
