my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
How does one acquire holy water?
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
