Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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