I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
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She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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