so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
