I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
