I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
There's even glitter on my cock...
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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