I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
She's just so happy...and so naked.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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