He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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