I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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