Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
