You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
