I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize