Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
