your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
