Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
