So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Randomize