ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
