I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
