I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.