just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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