I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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