When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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