TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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