Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
