I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
