I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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