i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
