in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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