is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
