I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
