There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
