I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
