I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
