whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Randomize
