: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
