The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
You've changed since you got that strap on
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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