Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
