Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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