i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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