Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
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