I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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