i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
