Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
