Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
