I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
