At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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