Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
